he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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