The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
