she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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