Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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