Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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