last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
