i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
