dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Where did you get a picture of my penis
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
