I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
