Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
