you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
