this boner is exhausting
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
