Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
