Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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