I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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