I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
