Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
