so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
