im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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