New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
