She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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