i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
