I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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