nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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