Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
