So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
