You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
