my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
