Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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