You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
