I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
