He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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