Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
