Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
