yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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