I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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