I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
