Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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