Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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