her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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