woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You ruined the universe
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
