i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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