even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Your cock deserves a montage
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
