He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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