I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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