i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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