Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
