in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
