i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
