Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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