she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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