watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
