do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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