I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just forgot I was standing up.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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