I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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