Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
