i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Can you bring me the toilet please
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
