Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
