Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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