I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
